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my husband smokes weed

Ask Amy: Are you OK with spouse smoking pot?

Freeville native Amy Dickinson answers your questions on relationships, family, work and more. Look for a new column every day and send your questions to [email protected]

Marihuana joint on fire, in the lips (Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Dear Amy:

My husband and I have been married for more than two years. When we first started dating, I knew he smoked marijuana daily.

I slowly grew frustrated being with someone who is out of it and unresponsive. I decided to break it off.

He then decided (without my suggestion) that he would stop smoking.

There were many times where I was suspicious that he was smoking again. He had bloodshot eyes, smelled of it, would run errands that took hours to complete, etc., but I just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to be happy.

Shortly after we got married I caught him smoking with a friend, when he had told me he was somewhere else. I felt so disappointed. But — I forgave him.

Amy, I don’t care if people want to smoke weed, but it is something I didn’t want in a husband or the future father of my children.

Last night I was cleaning his car when I found weed hidden underneath the floor mat. I also found eye drops and a lighter.

We talked about it, and he told me that he feels like weed helps him. He believes it has healing powers (he has no medical issues). He doesn’t want to stop.

Ask Amy: Confronting childhood abuser

I was very clear about my views from the start of our relationship. It isn’t fair that he lied to me for so long.

I told him I wanted a divorce because I could no longer trust him. He said I was crazy for being willing to throw everything away over a little weed.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like it isn’t even about the weed now, it’s about the betrayal, lies and the intentional hiding.

Am I crazy for wanting a divorce over weed?

Dear Disappointed: I gather from where your husband’s stash was located that pot is illegal in your state. If so, it is reasonable to ask and expect your spouse not to engage in illegal activity.

But if pot were legal where you live, would you find it acceptable if he used it occasionally? And, importantly, would he be able to use it only occasionally?

His habit of hiding this from you might have triggered some binging behavior. Would he be able to use pot the way some of us have a glass of wine with a meal, and enjoy it without getting stoned?

People who use weed and get baked will deny how obnoxious and boring they can be, and how big an impact it has on their lives and relationships. It is no fun to try to have a life with someone who is unavailable, unreliable, impaired, and zoned out.

Your husband broke a vow he had made to you, and then he lied about it. If you look down the road and see nothing but more of this, then yes, you should probably leave. This is your version of: “Three strikes, I’m out.”

Dear Amy: I have a friend whose wife died six years ago.

He frequently brings up his wife on his Facebook postings, and his wife continues to “respond” to his postings and post poetry on her website.

At what point does one stop responding? Or does one?

He is apparently in counseling. Any suggestions?

Dear Friends: I don’t see anything amiss with bringing up one’s late spouse on Facebook. Doing so is like mentioning her name in conversation.

It sounds as if he has set up a “memorial page” and is posting and sharing from that page. If he is posting things she wrote during her lifetime, I think that sounds like a great idea. If he is responding in her persona, that’s a little more troubling.

The beauty of Facebook is that you don’t ever have to “like,” comment, respond, or even look at anything that floats by on your Facebook stream. The fewer clicks and likes he receives, the less traction these posts will get.

I hope you will reach out in real life to talk to and spend time with this man. A grief support group might be helpful.

Dear Amy: You asked for feedback from people on how they divide the job of cleaning the dirty dishes in their household.

Like you, our rule is, “if you cooked, you don’t have to do the dishes.”

We think of this as a fair division of labor.

— Happy in the House

Dear Happy: I like this balance, too. Many of us would much rather clean than cook.

While her husband continues to smoke weed behind her back, she begins to think about divorce.

Partner Smokes Weed, Anyone Else Putting Up With It?

Partner Smokes Weed, Anyone Else Putting Up With It?

  1. Posted on 07-02-2012 at 11.32PM

My partner and myself have a baby girl, 5 months, and he continues to smoke weed, every day.
And im finding it really hard to cope with it all, ive been diagnosed with PND and my partner lost his job just before christmas (not drug related, poxy b&q . who may I add is a shocking company) and I just feel like such a nag!!
We were a week late on rent, yet he STILL has £60/£80 to spend on weed? I cant physically stop him, ive tried to talk to him about it but I just feel like im in this relationship all alone, as weed seems to always be more important!
Hes an AMAZING dad and doesnt do it near her or lets her near any of it, which i really am thankful for, but I just struggle to cope with it all.

Anyone else out there putting up with a partner who is the same?

  1. Posted on 08-02-2012 at 12.26AM
  1. Posted on 08-02-2012 at 12.32AM
  1. Posted on 08-02-2012 at 12.42AM

Hi
Sounds like he isn’t just using weed but abusing it.

if you were on here saying your partner drinks
every night I would be saying the same, he is Abusing
weed, and that may well lead to his destruction
No-one smokes weed everyday because they “want” to
or enjoy it, It sounds like it’s an addiction and sadly he
is the only person who can change that, think really hard about
what you want and what’s best for your Lo, then have a serious chat
with him, trust yourself and do what’s best for you!!

  1. Posted on 10-02-2012 at 9.13PM

I can see you are feeling upset and frustrated by your partners drug use You mentioned you have PND, is your partner supporting you with that? It is unfair that he is choosing paying for weed over paying the rent and although you say he is good with your LO he is failing to contribute to her safety and well being by doing this, as well as not setting a good example for her as she gets older.

Nicole I am going to ask one of colleagues from a drug and alcohol support service to look at your post and give you some support and advice, hope that’s OK X

—————
Elizabeth is a qualified nursery nurse, has trained with the NCT and Barnardo’s and formerly worked with Sure Start.

The support Netmums Parent Supporters provide is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice from a health professional or any other qualified advisory organisation. Users should always seek professional advice relevant to their particular set of circumstances from a qualified health professional or other relevant professional organisations.

  1. Posted on 10-02-2012 at 9.35PM

I am too in a rship with a weed smoker and it’s a tough life , especially when he hasn’t got any . It seems like weed comes before anything else when he has no money . I have give up with him and he now rents a room over the road and I send him over there when he hasn’t got the money for weed coz a nightmare is an understatement. Recently the paranoia has stated aswell coz to be honest the weed is just too strong (and not to mention too expensive!)these days and it’s becoming even more addictive than ever .

Obviously your oh needs to realise that keeping a roof over the little ones head especially is the important thing but I’m not sure if people with an addiction even register this .

I feel for you hun coz it’s not a life , it’s an existence on that and it causes so so many arguments and relationships to fail . I really hope your OH gets help before you choose to walk away with your baby !

massive to you , feel free to pm me if you need to chat xx

  1. Posted on 12-02-2012 at 11.13AM
  1. Posted on 12-02-2012 at 11.31AM
  1. Posted on 15-02-2012 at 2.10PM

My name is Sam and I am a substance misuse worker, I hope you don’t mind me posting on your thread.

It is a difficult situation that you are in given that you are suffering from PND and that your partner is choosing weed over rent, which in turn puts his addiction as a priority over his family. It is selfish behaviour, but unfortunately that is connected to the addiction.

Are you receiving support from anyone regarding your PND? It is important to get as much support as possible.

People can and do change their behaviours, and it is possible for your partner to change, but unfortunately only if he wants to. Have you explained to him the impact his weed smoking is having on yourself and your little girl? You say that he is not smoking anywhere near your little girl, but there is such a thing called 3rd hand smoking. I am sure you have heard of 2nd hand smoking (or passive smoking), but with 3rd hand smoking this means that nicotine and other components of the smoke coats surfaces including clothes, furniture, hair and skin and continue to emit toxins. Obviously there is a risk to others especially small children. The way to avoid this is to stop smoking – even if it is nowhere near little ones.

Do you think that if you explain this to him that he would consider changing his behaviours for more positive ones?

Check the following website out for further support for yourself:

And the following website for help and support for your partner:

Please keep us updated with how things are for you.

  1. Posted on 15-02-2012 at 8.46PM

HI Nicole,
I am in a very similar situation. My OH has been promising ever since we found out I was pregnant that he would stop smoking weed, she is now 6 months old and it is still continuing regardless of anything I do or say to him. The whole situation is constantly causing rows and he is just not a nice person to be around when he is high. He claims that he uses it to ‘get out of is own head’ so that he doesn’t have to think about his ‘problems’, but ultimately all he is doing is blocking things out and not dealing with whatever it is that is bothering him. I have tried to talk to him about these ‘problems’ but he just gets really defensive and angry, so I don’t know whether this is just an excuse to try and justify his weed addiction or whether there is actually some underlying issue.

We don’t have an awful lot of money, but it seems he always somehow manages to find the money to feed his addiction. I am at my wits end with it all, and it is getting to the point that I am beginning to seriously consider telling him to leave as I simply do not want a weed smoker in mine or my daughters life. It is extremely hard though because I do love him and I would dearly love him to stop so that we can be a happy family together, but I just don’t know what else to do.

I am so relieved that I am not the only person out there who has been ‘putting up’ with this awful habit. I hope that you are getting the much needed support for your PND. Sending you and hoping that you find a way to make yourself happy in spite of your partners behaviour. x

  1. Posted on 17-02-2012 at 8.27PM
  1. Posted on 19-02-2012 at 8.58PM

Thank you for coming back to us, please do speak to your HV about your PND and about get the right support, you deserve to have this and will feel so much better when it’s in place and be able to manage better.

Have you spoken to your OH about your PND and how his behaviour makes you feel? He won’t be able to consider it if you don’t let him know. I can understand its not easy to leave and I understand you would like him to change so you could move forward together as a family, unfortunately as long as he continues to put his drug use in front of you and your LO he is putting you both at risk emotionally, financially and physically.

It doesn’t sound like he is willing to change which means you will have to think about what you find is acceptable behaviour and try to protect your LO as much as you can. Have you though about how you and your OH will explain to your daughter about your financial situation when she is older? Do remember You and your daughter deserve better than this but I think he will continue to use if he is allowed to and is never challenged

Do have a look at the links that Swanswell have left you and remember the advice they gave you around 3rd hand smoke and the effect that weed has on your mental health, please come back and let us know if you need any more advice or support.

—————
Elizabeth is a qualified nursery nurse, has trained with the NCT and Barnardo’s and formerly worked with Sure Start.

The support Netmums Parent Supporters provide is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice from a health professional or any other qualified advisory organisation. Users should always seek professional advice relevant to their particular set of circumstances from a qualified health professional or other relevant professional organisations.

Partner Smokes Weed, Anyone Else Putting Up With It? Partner Smokes Weed, Anyone Else Putting Up With It? Posted on 07-02-2012 at 11.32PM My partner and myself have a baby girl, 5